My Testimony of God in My Life

Hi folks, my name is Josh and I’m a sinner.  As a recovering alcoholic and smoker, it seems appropriate to address you, my fellow sinners (some recovering, some still in denial) in such a manner.  And I say recovering, because that is what we are...  Recovering from what?  From sin of course!  You know, the bad things we do, think, and say.  "Well, I'm not that bad," most say.  Sorry my friend.  With God there are no levels of bad.  We are all sinners and deserve eternal punishment. Now, back to my SA (Sinners [not so]Anonymous) meeting... We will never be fully recovered from this disease called sin until our bodies are changed when Jesus returns.

I was born into a Christian home in 1978.  I am the oldest of six children and had all the advantages… and disadvantages… of growing up in a Christian home.  I say disadvantage because when one’s foundational worldview is built upon Biblical truth from infancy, all things spiritual, for me at least, were intellectual matters, vice matters of the heart.  I never doubted anything I learned from my parents, my church, or my Bible; I simply resigned myself, fatalistically to my fate in Hell.  Yet, through my youth, I was always haunted by an extreme fear of an eternity in that Hell and grieved by an overwhelming sense of my own sinful nature and general unworthiness.

I was raised within a doctrinally accurate framework, but practically skewed perspective of the Christian life.  My parents thoroughly indoctrinated us children in “faith without works is dead” to such an extent that I took for granted the simplicity of the gospel promise.  Satan would use the book of James and my parents’ demand for works as evidence of salvation as a club, pummeling my nascent beliefs in Christ’s death for me.  Additionally, my strong, rebellious nature, and the way I was raised to value hard work, independence, and self-reliance perpetuated the lie that I had to be worthy of salvation.

I cannot pinpoint a moment so distinct, so vivid, and so life-changing that I could point to and say, “God saved me at that point.”  Instead, I liken my spiritual life to that of a swinging pendulum.  I would have a particular moment where I would cry out to God in faith and repentance, which would be followed by a true zeal for the Lord, followed by subtle acts of spiritual omission that would weaken my relationship with God.  These times would inevitably lead to patterns of sin that would shake my faith to the core, cause me to doubt my salvation, and then lead me to despair, resignation, and culminate in a slide into a lifestyle of sinful, selfish pursuits.  This cycle would repeat itself countless times throughout my life.  The amplitude of these swings would increase with each repetition; each time God getting my attention in ways even more painful.  These cycles would be sparked by events like when, as a ten-year old, I awoke, terrified of a nightmare of nuclear war and the reality that I would go to hell if I were not saved.  The cycle repeated itself after the death of my best friend in 1995.  It came again with the betrayal of a friend in college, over a girl of course (and yes Jim, it does seem rather silly now).  It happened after I joined the Army following the conscience-searing, painful acts of fleshly indulgence.  Once again upon deployment to Iraq in 2005 and 2006, surrounded by imminence of death, and then dealing with the mental anguish associated with returning home.  And most recently in 2008 and 2009, it involved a descent into alcoholism, chemical dependency, and two bouts with relapse.

I do not know when God saved me, in our human understanding of time.  Nor does it really matter to me anymore.  I can leave that to the theological meta-physicists and their theories on the concepts of space-time.  All I do know is that I grew very weary of fighting Him; it was too painful.

I can now stand up and say that yes, I am a worthless sinner, and thoroughly undeserving of God’s gift of salvation.  But my pride and self-sufficiency is my most debilitating sin.  God has driven me to my knees on countless occasions, beaten me down for my petulant defiance of His gospel and His plan.  I cried “Enough!” and accepted, the terms of my surrender:  merely that I trust in Him who saved me, and not in my own merit or works.  That I accept the fact that Christ loves me, for whatever divine reason or purpose, regardless of what I have done or will do.  And that I must humbly obey my Heavenly Father or His discipline is not a pleasant experience.

I have placed my trust only in the saving power of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.  As much as I thought I was a pawn in a spiritual battle, I was wrong.  The battle has already been waged and won.  My victory, our victory is assured.  We tarry only a little longer, fighting skirmishes here and there, until that wonderful day when I will be changed, we will be changed.  Our life-long battle with this addiction to sin will be at last over, and we will be sinless.

This testimony is obviously intended for an audience with some background in Christianity and the Gospel in general.  However, if you are still here, dear reader, and are confused about the topic of my conversation, but moved over your own sin and wrongdoing in such a way that you cannot explain, I have good news.  Jesus Christ is God’s son.  Not was, but is.  Jesus lived a perfect life and died a horrible death so that we who accept that fact do not have to suffer our just and due punishment for our own sins.  Why?  Because He loves us.  We are all sinners.  We all need this salvation.  Accept His free offer.  Believe that He died for you.  Be sorry for your sin.  And you will be saved.